Dear Five-Years-Ago Me

A couple of weeks ago I was in a staff meeting where we ended up talking about the importance of reflecting on our lives. As we enter a new year we often make a list of goals and ambitions we hope to accomplish by the end. These goals are all good and well but at the same time, there is something so important about taking time to remember where we have come from.

We were all encouraged to take time and reflect on what we have overcome through the years. Remembering where God has brought us from as we move forward. More specifically, we were challenged to write a letter to ourselves five years ago.

This staff meeting impacted me so deeply that I thought that I would share my letter with you all. I am hoping that it will inspire you to reflect on your own life and maybe you too will write a letter!

Lauren Bentley actually shared this message at Ramp Church which you can watch here!

Before you read this letter, some context is needed. Five years ago was the year 2018. I actually wrote a brief blog post on this year and what it was like for me. Three years prior to 2018 I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease which sent my life into a spiral of trying to regain my health and return to living a normal life.

When I was initially diagnosed I did not feel comfortable treating my condition with medication. God had given me a word that I would be he healed from Crohn’s and I stood on that word. Through divine connections, I was led to a holistic doctor who placed me on a raw diet, a million supplements, and a juicing regimen. As hippie as it sounds I made such an incredible recovery. I was eating healthier than ever and felt the best I ever had!

I thought I was completely healed and was deeply disappointed when I ended up in the hospital again. Crohn’s causes what they call “flare-ups.” These flare-ups do not come with a warning and usually require medical intervention. I was beginning to doubt my healing and losing faith in what God had told me.

Throughout my health journey, I remained mostly steadfast in that I would see healing in my body. I was willing to endure what I had to but I had one stipulation with God. I begged that whatever would come just let it not end in surgery-my one condition.

I wish I had the words to convey the devastation I felt when I was rushed into surgery that morning in January 2018. Still to this day, I lack the words to express the whole experience. I remember feeling like at that moment my life had shattered into a million pieces. I was terrified. I felt betrayed by God. I did not understand.

I wrestled with God. I had a thousand questions for Him. I reached such a place of desperation that I began to struggle in my relationship with God. I was in so much pain and I felt like He had completely disregarded my cries.

During this time, my family was also seemingly falling apart. I was not sure my parents were going to stay together. My family has always been so important to me. My world felt like it was caving in from all sides.

And so that is where we find me in 2018 as I write this letter. Renee post-surgery with a temporary ileostomy, struggling to trust God in her circumstances and barely holding on.

This is what I would tell that girl:

Dear five-years-ago me,

The year is 2018. The last several years have been nothing short of a living hell for you. At this point, you feel as though you are about to fall completely apart. Feeling like giving up on life and giving up on God whom you are convinced has given up on you. You are exhausted and struggling to hold onto hope that things can change. You have been fighting for your health, for the restoration of your family, and to retain any faith at all. I want to warn you that when you feel like you have reached your breaking point you will have the surgery you have pleaded with God to not allow to happen. You will cry copious amounts of burning, hot tears yearning for answers as to why this was all happening. 

What you fail to see now is that things will get better. I am thrilled to let you know how good things get for you. That surgery you desperately feared will give you a fresh start. Like pressing the restart button on your life. You will learn to take care of your body and value your health. Bigger than that, your faith will become your own as God becomes so real to you through the process. He will reveal Himself as The Healer, The Comforter, Your Greatest Companion. God will go to great lengths to prove that He was with you the whole way. Every precious teardrop of yours He has been collecting. You will see God restore your family and watch your parents fall in love. God is not done with the Stout family. Truth be told, He is only getting started.

Right now you feel like your life has ended before it could even begin. You feel that Crohn’s has stolen everything from you. Life has been hospitals, doctors, supplements, and green juices. Until Jesus. His deliverance will come and come suddenly, however, it will not be like you imagined. Do not lose hope. You will one day look upon the scars on your stomach with a smile. They serve as a reminder of what Jesus has done. 

Oh just wait…there comes a day when your health will no longer weigh heavy on your mind. You’ll move from the beloved state of Tennessee a place called Hamilton, Alabama. At the Ramp School of Ministry you will meet the most incredible company of people. These people will become like family as you pursue after Him. God will take you on a journey of establishing you in Him. As you seek Him, you find He has been seeking you all along. This is a journey of a lifetime that is only beginning in RSM. You have no idea what is to come!

On top of such a wild 1st-year experience at RSM, you will survive a global pandemic labeled Coronavirus. A virus that shut the world down for quite some time and ultimately cuts your 1st Year short. You end up catching covid twice but you will live to tell the tale. As scary as this time will seem, fear not. Lean into Jesus as you have more time and take it easy on the whipped coffee trend.

God will continue to refine you through your 2nd year and Internship at the Ramp. Yes, you do an internship so quit fighting it already. As you are stretched remind yourself often that God is working in you and through you. He is making you more like Him each day. He is near. Don’t forget that.

God will surprise you beyond your imagination. He will elevate you as only He can. I am thrilled to tell you that you will not work at Harbor Freight for the rest of your life! Do realize that you are a light to the people you work with. Remain in awe and wonder of what God is doing in your life. That heart posture will bring you into further intimacy with the Lord. Truth be told, He is still only getting started.

Wow. I look back and I am awestruck by God’s faithfulness weaved throughout the entirety of my story. He’s in the fine details, the storms, and the mountaintops. He has always been and always will be.

I hope you are encouraged to reflect on where you have been and what you have come through. And if you are feeling brave to share, know that I would love to read!